It's All About that Face...

 

 

 

Recently, our townhome complex was re-sided. It was a big controversy because a number of the neighbors did not like the design change from the original look of vertical siding to horizontal siding. One man went as far as saying, “Everyone has horizontal siding and it looks awful. I chose to live here because the vertical look was pleasingly different. Now you are telling me my property has to look crappy?!”

The evils of horizontal siding were hotly debated. I was stuck on the notion that my neighbor might go to the trouble of selling his home of 15 years worked to his taste and perfection, because he did not like the façade.  Would he really make a choice based on outside appearances rather than what was lived on the inside.  The word siding got me thinking……

 We all spend a lot of time on appearances. Many of us change our facades with regularity – different clothes (underwear hopefully at least) daily and certainly with the seasons, we redecorate homes or offices, we get our hair cut or let it grow long, even might change the color. The changing fronts can be helpful, especially if it promotes a feeling of confidence or well-being for an individual. Such veneers we put on can help us in life.

 “She was the quintessential twenty-first-century woman: She could build a high-rise in a Chanel suit and Jimmy Choos, give lessons in multitasking, and freeze the heart of the coldest competitor with a single unblinking gaze over the rim of her ebony-framed reading glasses. But that persona was like a bodysuit that she pulled on at eight in the morning and peeled out of at five in the afternoon.”  ― Donna Ball, A Year on Ladybug Farm

Sometimes such fronts imprison us. My mother used to warn me if I was not careful, my frown would freeze on my face. While permanent facial features do seem to be hallmarks of the Botox used by various celebrities, my grimace, thankfully, never locked up my face.  I have seen a negative attitude take over a person and become their way of life inside and out.  

 Most often, however, we hide our true selves and put on deceptive fronts to keep from facing our own vulnerabilities.  Rather than showing weakness or struggle, we allow pretense and disguise to become a way of life.  Our society has long preached things like “pull your own weight” and “rugged individualism.”  We have glorified wearing the camouflage “fake it, ‘til ya make it.” 

 No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.  Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

Being able to be our true selves can be a nerve wracking business. Masks we wear to hide who we really are, and what we are feeling or thinking, cannot be sustainable or healthy. Such veneers seem less helpful, even detrimental, to our wellbeing and relationships when the pretense disables real connections to self and others.  

“There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely - or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands.” Oscar Wilde, Lady Windemere’s Fan

 

Do we have the guts to let go of who we think we should be to become who we really are? Sometimes the space between being vulnerable and portraying tough side is as wide as the Grand Canyon. We need courage to make the leap.  Practicing living without such a façade – a fake or deceptive front - can happen when we practice loving ourselves.  When we own who we are with all our strength and all our flaws and are okay with us, we love ourselves.  With vulnerability, you experience true connection—true love for yourself—and you begin to attract people to you who are inspired by your openness. To be vulnerable is to be deeply seen. It’s to love with your whole heart and to put yourself out there. To feel vulnerable is to be alive—to exist as your most authentic self.  Many are afraid of such vulnerability because there is the possibility of being hurt or let down.

 “It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we're alive - to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are.”  Elissabeth Kubler Ross

While it’s not easy to be vulnerable, you’d be surprised how beautiful and fulfilling such a thing is.  Loving all of you can help you to connect with anyone. In my own life, I despised thinking of myself and my abilities as less than perfect. I hated being wrong. It was a struggle to think people might realize I couldn’t do something. I would blame others rather than accept responsibility for the things in my life that did not work. I feared that if people knew the real me, I would be laughed at, shown disapproval or left behind. I pushed myself hard in all things, and was my own biggest critic.

 A friend’s father helped me realize my folly. He gave me a toothbrush that read “I’m PERFECT” gently mocking my perfectionist armor. Reminding me that as a child of God, I did not have to be perfect, that my weaknesses were made strong, made perfect in Christ Jesus through my baptism. Being human, with all my imperfections, was empowering and enriching. Letting go of my expectations and “rules” of life allowed me to love and be loved and relate to others more deeply. Putting to death the idea that I could be perfect if I tried hard enough, allowed me to worry less about what others thought of how I acted or looked and focused on doing and being well within myself.  Focusing on appreciation of myself and others allowed disappointment to dissipate. Concentrating on what I wanted to create in life allowed a sense of present passion to thrive and my creativity to increase.

 

Striving for excellence is different than perfectionism. Perfectionists adopt along the path of life the dangerous belief system that they are what they achieve.  Striving for excellence asks “How can I improve?”  while perfectionism asks “What will they think?” Attempting to be perfect creates the notion that if we do things perfectly or make it look perfect, we can avoid pain, judgment or shame. Perfectionism is a billion pound mask that we think protects us, when all it does is keep us from being really seen or known.

Are facades everything to you? Or are you able to allow the flaws and wrinkles be badges of life and living? Consider putting on the new front of the real you… and live!

 

What lives Always and Forever?

Immortality – What lives forever and always?

With Valentine’s Day just past, I have heard the words – ALWAYS and FOREVER – used quite a bit.  Also, the nihilistic notion of always & forever are being bandied about in pop-culture through the immortality of vampires, zombies, and characters that die and return endlessly.  Always & forever is an irregular long time that stretches on and on and on.

I thought of these words, and the notion of immortality, again yesterday in the context of my tradition’s Lent.  While vampires and zombies have endless life, it is a grim and seeming hopeless existence. Futile in life and death.  Valentine’s Day is about the hope of always and forever love. Lent is a journey to the certainty of an always and forever love.

Christianity’s period Lent is an annual 40 days of preparation and cleansing before the celebration of life eternal at Easter. Easter celebrates that death has lost its sting. Easter is about life forever with God. Most Christians recognize Lent as the opportunity to shed all that holds us back from real life, not forever life.

Some people hold that Christianity, perhaps religion of any kind, is a fool’s paradise, or as Karl Marx said, “The opiate of the masses.” Perhaps this idea of life eternal is too unbelievable or undesirable for some, while others want to hold on to life with all they have.

My notion of religion and Lent run as a partnership.  While I do believe that life eternal does exist with God, I do not strive to hold on to this life forever and a day. I know that all things change and transform and evolve. And most often move from good to better to best to penultimate. We need to be able to let go to move forward. And I am not a fool or on any opiate.

Lent is actually the time to return to God, to repent. In the book, Worship as Repentance, Walter Sundberg says that this period is to strip all “illusions away so we know who we are and how short we fall standing before God and holy things.”

Lent begins with Ash Wednesday and reminds us not of our immortality but our mortality.  People are marked with ashes, the sign of our mortality. We hear the words, “You are dust and to dust you shall return.” Reminiscent of words often heard at funerals, “ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” Lent is the journey to the cross, where Jesus the Christ dies so that all might have real life. He defeats death once and for all – for all!  Lent concludes at the feast of Easter, when this life in fullness rises.  

Lent is an opportunity to let go of all that is unreal.  It shows us again and again that we are finite creatures who need each other and God. Lent calls us to the hope and promise of Easter, where God’s love wins always and forever. The finite creatures that we are fall away to who we were meant to be – creatures not made to live forever, but to love always and forever. The real immortals in this world come in the relationships we build and the love we leave.  

What will your forever and always legacy look like? 

A Cookie Cutter World

 
When I was little, I used to love the game “Follow the Leader.”  It was fairly simple, and I loved making sure I was spot on with the leader, including my facial expressions.  I remember making several of my kiddie contemporaries mad when I mimicked them too closely.

Teenage years brought angst when mimicry was both hated and embraced.  I especially hated when I wore the same outfit as another girl in my class. Or conversely, it was okay to wear the same color outfit as my friend or posse as if it were a secret code. And it was acceptable, and expected that all teens went to the same hang out, or had to like the same idols, or they were weird. Weird is unacceptable in teen worlds.  That was about when my grandma began asking me “if all of your friends jump off the pier will you blindly follow?” And while I did not want to be different, I saw her point.  To blindly follow the masses was not very compelling or smart.

As I have reached adulthood I find myself opting to be different then many of those around me a lot of the time. Not to be merely contrary, I like being a leader. And especially, a leader with a purpose.  Often, I find I have fewer followers than I would hope. Not many are trying to mimic me closely.

As a general rule, however, it seems people love copying and following rather than marching to their own tune. Post Thanksgiving Black Friday all the stores went to earlier sales, and all the automatons marched the advertiser’s Pied Piper tune and followed to their flute. I felt a pattern of brainwashing began in mid-September this year. According to MerchantsWire:

For the 24 hours of Thanksgiving Day, Thursday, November 28^th same-seller gross merchandise value (GMV) increased 40% relative to the same 24-hour period in 2012. For the 24 hours of Black Friday, November 29^th, same-seller GMV sales lagged slightly behind Thanksgiving Day results but still increased over Black Friday 2012 by 35%, achieving a new Merchant daily record gross merchandise value (GMV) on Black Friday.

We are LEMMINGS!           

Humans seem to follow rather than march to the beat of their own drum perhaps because we hate to be alone, wrong or lose social status. We go along to get along out of fear of being shunned. It is easier than doing something different and having to explain or face ridicule. There is also power in numbers.

We see this everywhere from local and Washingtonian politicians, to wanna-be pop stars and actors, to iPhone buyers (it’s the most expensive and not necessarily the best, but everyone has one!)

I hear my grandma asking, “If everyone jumped over a cliff, would you?”  I see a society that will be less creative, strong, differentiated in the future. I picture automated rubber-stamping rather than well-reasoned decisions. A society that once stood proudly as being independent and strong individuals seems to be cookie cutter copies of each other, directed largely by the media and rich corporations.

Some would say as a person of faith, I am merely a follower as well. My religion of choice is, yes, to follow a man who lived outside his cultural norms, went against the establishment for the betterment of all, not the replicating of all. Jesus showed love (contrary to some who come in his name) to all people, even when that is terribly hard for human beings who find it easier to fear and hate.   I do not mind being accused of following such a rebel.

My faith calls e and all people to be “in the world, NOT of the world.”  Historically, the power of the church has been in our ability to live in the tension of existing "in, but not of." The Church is to be counter cultural. Not lemmings. Counter cultural doesn’t mean that the church stands against society to stand against it. The church is called to lead and leaders must stand FOR something rather than merely stand against something.

Yes, there are certainly times when we need to protest and stand against what is wrong. There are times when we must cry out against injustice and call for an end to corruption. But I hope that’s not all we do. I hope we remember the best form of protest is to stand for something better.

Counter cultural is deliberately different than society in positive ways.  Christians are centered and anchored in Jesus who was a lover of all people. Attempting to descent and condemn culture does not accurately depict who Jesus is and was. Instead of calling out what is wrong, or highlight that "these are not the way things ought to be,”  Christians are to stand for what is RIGHT -   for the common good. The Church is against the world, for the world.

Christians are restorers. We go about fixing the things that are broken. Because that is what God does. We are sacrificial. We should be mindful about what practices would help us celebrate God and God’s creation. Mindful about how we use things – do they make us more connected or less so?  Do they help or hurt others?

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. (Romans 12:2 The Message)

I stand for the common good because God’s love is for all and calls us to be a part of the renewal of the world. It means I lead culture. I stay true to self and do what needs to be done to help others.   Jesus was on the side that was for life, for hope, for grace, for our salvation and for the big picture and the common good of all. The life of Jesus and His act of love on the cross was for us, and it powerfully stood against the forces of evil and darkness. Living like this is compelling in the midst of a culture that may view things differently – as in for fear, retribution and death, and the short term.

Of Peacocks and Lions and Pride, Oh My! Part 2

 I am stuck on PRIDE.    It has spiraled around me this week. So I reflect again, or more.

Having been schooled a bit after my last blog, that as a white, straight, non-oppressed (even though I am a woman) person, it is not right for me to claim PRIDE in things, groups or ideas. That pride is my sin as an oppressor. And pride goes before a fall.

I do not start out to oppress or be “more righteous than” (except with respect to those drivers who never use turn signals, and smokers – then I am a little self-righteous.)  I realize that I live a privileged life. It saddens me that the world is broken by haves and have-nots, is seen separated by skin color, and is judged by whom people love.

To me that brokenness has – yes – most often been created by pride and its by-products. The sort of pride that allows folks to take pride in what they are and the way they live as better, wiser, more knowledgeable, more loved than others including the Creator.  The sort of pride that leads to a feeling of always being right, never needing to apologize or ask for forgiveness for the built in belief that nothing has been done wrong in the first place. This is the sin that the Bible speaks against. This type of pride in self or clan is what leads to war, hate, discrimination, judgment, and injustice. And it begs lamentation and sorrow.

I am not a bad person, but nor am I an “always right” person. (Although my husband and mother may disagree I said that!)  I try to live in harmony with all others. I know there are things I am open about, and other areas I work to find a chink in the armor of my closed-ness.

My concern in my recent dialogue and the rhetoric about PRIDE is that it became an all or nothing context. Much like Red States vs. Blue States and political discussions. I get that groups that have not been allowed to have a voice should have the ability to share and show pride.  I am all for that.

“You can't give people pride, but you can provide the kind of understanding that makes people look to their inner strengths and find their own sense of pride” Charleszetta Waddles

For most group-living species, the definition of social means knowing your place and showing it at every opportunity. So it is with peacocks, lions and humans - oh my!

 Peacocks stand out with their array of feathers, but it is the female Peahen that chooses her mate based on the size, color, span of these outrageous feather displays. 

These grand birds like peace and harmony and are a symbol of integrity and the beauty we can achieve when we endeavor to show our true colors. In history, myth and lore, the Peacock symbolizes: Nobility, Holiness, Guidance, Protection, Watchfulness, Spirituality, Awakening, Immortality, Refinement and Incorruptibility.¹
In rare cases some assembled group animals do not form dominance based hierarchies. Lions are an example of this. They do not bother to assign rank to its group’s citizens. While males distinctly dominate females, they do not establish class systems as other social animals do. All the lion males in a pride are lazy and let the females do the work. The females live in a “democratic sisterhood.”

"It's still completely astonishing to me that we can find virtually no evidence of dominance ranking in any pride," said Dr. Craig Packer, a field biologist at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis and a leading authority on lion behavior.

Dr. Packer suggests that lions are simply too deadly and well-armed to not live by egalitarian rules.  "A lion's got claws that can disembowel a zebra, as well as those god-awful teeth, so an inferior could cripple a better opponent," said Dr. Packer. "It's like a cold war, with mutually assured destruction. It's better not to mess around with your opponent in the first place." ²

Same could be said about mutually destructive humans. Or at least we did in the 60’s and 70’s as nations. But rather than merely avoiding common destruction, how about we build toward mutual trust, love and acceptance?!

“Pride is a personal commitment. It is an attitude which separates excellence from mediocrity.”
         William Blake

I guess I do not care that “Pride” is considered a sin when I am proud of my husband and his loving-care, his generosity and his compassion toward others. Proud of my siblings and siblings-in-law for the way they raise smart, polite good-at-heart children. I am proud of my parents and in-laws for the way they raised our generation – for it was a team effort, sometimes succeeding and other times failing but always continued trying. Parents worked together then. I am proud of my nieces and nephews for the dignified, healthy, creative way they are facing the future of this time and their lives.  I am proud of a number of organizations I have worked with or volunteered for in the way they follow their mission and help others with passion, transparency and hope. I am proud of friends that live fully as who they are and care for others. If pride is bad, well I am proudly all in. Like a peacock, I will share these feathers. Like a lion I will roar out my passion and delight for my family, friends without exclusivity or thinking we are the best, most right or only voices in this big diverse world.

I am humbled in knowing that these things I am proud of can be said of many in this and each generation. There is a lot of work we have ahead as people.

“Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.”  Margaret Thatcher

 

¹ www.proudasapeacock.org/

  ²  The New York Times  “Lions Find Peace Without Rankings”  Natalie Angier  Published: April 18, 1995

Of Peacocks and Lions

I was so excited to start this blog. It took some time to come up with an idea that was not too narrow or too wide. I took pride in my first few bloggy endeavors. Than as the old Proverb goes, “Pride always goes before a fall.”

The last few weeks, I have had nothing! Just shooting blanks. Writers block or too busy or something.  My sense of proud accomplishment has shriveled to a dry husk. It is frustrating.

If you see anything in yourself which may make you proud, look a little further, and you will find enough to make you humble.   WELLINS CALCOTT, Thoughts Moral and Divine

  I began pondering PRIDE and my sense of humility! I grew up with the notion that “pride” was a negative emotion or trait. As a grown-up (ish) person, I wonder and struggle with the notion of PRIDE.

This year, there is a lot of Pride going around. Over the past several weeks there have been a number of “Pride” Parades in and around Chicago– from the nationalistic Fourth of July parades and fireworks to the GLBTG Pride parade and this week’s Disability Pride Parade. All of that seems positive and promoting strength, value and a sense of community.

When I was in high school we had “Pride” week celebrating being a Sequoit (there really is no such thing) and showing school spirit. And then again recently, it shows when watching my dad become a Lion’s club governor with a focus on Lion’s pride. And feeling a sense of pride for my step-dad regaining strength and health after a scare.

Why is pride so bad?

It is a defined usually as a vice or as hubris. Saint Augustine defined “Pride” as “the love of one’s own excellence.” A very personal sin set opposed to humility and grace and seen as a disagreement with or inflation of the truth of who one is. An over-inflated sense of self-worth or accomplishment. Pride tends to blind us to our own faults. Being proud as the proverbial peacock is seen as bad. I understand this when we would compare ourselves to God, rank ourselves above others or put others down based on our personal accomplishment, or perceived success.

“A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.”  ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Originally, the word” pride” comes from an old Latin term for “useful.” In French and Old English it meant “brave” or “valiant.” On the plus side, pride is a sense of satisfaction of one’s choices and actions along with a feeling of belonging. It allows for a sense of healthy respect for one’s attachments and associations, but in comparison with a group or community. A public expression of a common belief that our individuality and strong social association are a natural part of human community, a celebration of our heritage and culture, and a validation of our experience.

“Pride helps us; and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our own hurts—not to hurt others.”  ― George Eliot, Middlemarch: A Study of Provincial Life

Pride in a group or association seems to take on a different and positive connotation. I think of my parents who take exceptional pride in their grandchildren. I think of a group of lions who haughtily stroll the jungle as “King of the beasts.” Yet, they live together. As a group (pride), not as individuals.  Perhaps that is the differentiator!?

Yet the Bible takes on national pride, and speaks of God’s wrath against those who exalt themselves – as individuals or nations.

I am proud of friends who take a stand and come out so they can be themselves.  I am sometimes proud to be an American with our ideals of democracy and building a republic. (Except when it goes overboard and becomes hubris, as of recent history.) There is pride watching those who struggle with life overcome their adversities. But can I not be proud that I have worked hard at an endeavor and found some value in my growth? Can I not value doing a good job serving others?

Of Peacocks or Lions?  Not sure I understand or comprehend.

Watch for Part 2 on "Of Peacocks and Lions" soon.